Forgiveness: These 7 tips will help you forgive more easily
Frauke Geuking
(Senior Editor)
Forgiveness can be very difficult, but it’s the cornerstone of coming to terms with yourself. We’ll tell you why forgiveness is so important to us and have seven tips you can use to learn to forgive friends or your partner more easily.
Not being able to forgive someone can put a lot of strain on a relationship or friendship. Even if you’ve 'made up', the real problem usually still runs deep. We’ll tell you how to forgive faster in our seven tips to spend less time fretting and more time being happy.
Why forgiveness is so important to our psyche
Why forgiveness is important to our psyche
Unresolved aspects in our lives are difficult to forget. This applies to job insecurities, financial problems as well as interpersonal issues.
If we still harbor resentment against someone or the basis of trust has not yet been restored, we deal with it again and again.
As a result, our soul does not come to rest and we become unhappier the more often we deal with these problems.
The art of forgiveness eliminates aggression and skepticism and leaves room again for the beautiful things in life. Who forgives, can close the chapter in his life and look forward.
If we don’t forgive, our thoughts revolve around blaming the other person. We spend our time holding grudges, plotting revenge, and burying ourselves in negative feelings.
We are constantly faced with disappointment, resentment, hatred, anger, bitterness or rejection. This can even affect our bodies: Tension, exhaustion, high blood pressure, headaches or stomachaches, and disturbed sleep can result.
Definition of forgiveness
In other words, forgiveness is the act of forgiving. When you forgive someone, you stop holding grudges against them. In the financial context, forgiveness also means granting relief from payment of certain debts.
But there are also situations in which someone insults you. Then it is your job to forgive the person who has offended you. At least when you are ready for it.
Why it’s so hard for us to forgive
Forgiveness can be difficult
The most common reason we don’t forgive is our pride. We feel so offended that if we 'looked the other way' about it, we wouldn’t forgive ourselves.
But forgiveness is not 'looking the other way', it is letting go. We hold grudges in order to punish the other person, but in doing so we burden ourselves rather than him.
The other person doesn’t notice our plans for revenge and thoughts of resentment, but we waste our time with them.
Realize that forgiveness does not mean condoning the behavior. You can still distance yourself from it, but no longer resent the person.
You can limit contact and stop sharing your life with that person, but should not feel hatred when you think about them. People tend to forget all positive things when they have been hurt or disappointed.
We think that everything was a waste of time and the person is a bad person. Then we get stuck on that one incident instead of looking at the whole interpersonal relationship.
You probably had good times together and the person probably gave you a lot before disappointing you. Reflect on what good aspects the relationship had and why it wasn’t a waste of time despite disappointment. You may have even learned something from the incident.
Forgiving cheating is difficult for most people. After all, it’s a major breach of trust and often very painful for the person who was cheated on. Again, forgiving can help you move on yourself.
But whether you can trust your partner again afterwards is very individual. Decide for yourself and the relationship whether you can rely on your partner again. However, if you are constantly worried that he or she might cheat again, this will put a strain on the relationship in the long run. Here you should seriously consider ending the relationship.
Faster forgiveness: 7 tips for your inner peace
Forgiveness must come of your own accord and cannot be forced. It takes time, patience and new perspectives to get rid of inner resentment.
Below, you’ll learn everything that will help you forgive faster. That way, you’ll spend less time getting angry and use that time for the good things in life.
Get the opinion of friends and family
Get the opinion of friends and family
Talking is the best medicine when it comes to forgiveness. Of course, the best thing to do is talk to the person who hurt you.
But if that’s not possible, or you still can’t forgive him or her afterwards, you should turn to family and friends. It can be incredibly liberating to get your frustrations off your chest, plus you can get some other opinions.
Describe the situation and ask your loved ones how they would act in your place. Maybe they’ll give you perspectives you haven’t seen before because of your anger.
They may also make you realize that not only the other person, but also you are somewhat to blame for the argument. They know you well and probably know from experience how you deal with disappointment.
The people who know you best can also help you best now. You just have to try to keep an open mind and not take their observations personally. You certainly don’t want another fight right now.
Put yourself in the shoes of the person who hurt you
Put yourself in the shoes of the person who hurt you
An important step toward forgiveness is empathy. Try to somehow explain the behavior of the person who hurt you.
You don’t have to fully understand or approve of the behavior, but it helps to be able to understand how the person acted.
Understanding why the other person acted the way they did is the first step toward forgiveness.
Realize that you too have certainly made mistakes and have been forgiven. People are not perfect and they disappoint each other all the time.
The most important thing is that there is no malicious intent behind it and that a sincere apology has been made for the wrongdoing.
Even if you were very hurt or betrayed, you can never trust the person again and break up with them, you may eventually be able to forgive that misbehavior and come clean with yourself.
Forgiving is not getting along
Forgiving is not getting along
People who have made up after an argument usually consider the disagreement settled.
But often people come to an agreement rather than actually talking things out. So both parties deal with the problem even longer and resentment keeps coming up.
Even if you have decided to make up, you should make sure that you have really talked things out.
Otherwise, the conflict will become an issue again sooner or later. Try not to get caught up in accusations when talking again, but simply describe how you feel. Remain calm and factual to settle the conflict once and for all.
Forgive yourself
When a person has disappointed you badly, you probably blame yourself as well. You ask yourself questions like, "Why did I waste so much of my time?", "How could I be so blind and not notice?", or "How could I ever trust him?".
Realize that everyone makes mistakes sometimes. No one is perfect and everyone is disappointed by those around them sooner or later in life.
Trusting someone and being disappointed is better than not trusting at all. You would never feel secure, never safe except with yourself. You would also miss out on all the great people who don’t disappoint you. Making close connections always involves some risk, but it’s worth it.
Take yourself back to beautiful moments
Take yourself back to nice moments
If you would actually like to forgive but just can’t, regress to good times.
Often we see the whole relationship or friendship only through a red veil of anger and it is difficult for us not to look at the common past full of disappointment.
We only see the negative things that happened to us because of this person. But such a mindset is poison for forgiveness and does your psyche no good.
Instead, reflect on all the wonderful things you have experienced together.
What funny stories would never have happened to you without the other person? Did he maybe even make you the person you are today? Try to balance and mitigate your anger with beautiful moments.
Think about how many more beautiful moments you could have if only you can bring yourself to forgive.
Looking ahead: What’s better now than before?
Looking ahead
When we part ways with the person who hurt us, we also often blame them for throwing everything away with their behavior. We look at beautiful moments in the past and think that the future can only get worse.
We suffer from the lack of understanding of the other person, our powerlessness and the changes our lives are going through now. Familiar daily routines are now very different without a person who was close to us.
So reflect on what is better now than before. What can you do now that never occurred to you before? How can you realize yourself? We already have some food for thought for you that will help you look forward and look at your life with a whole new set of eyes.
- I don’t have to be considerate anymore and I can do what I like. Everything I changed before for the other person out of love, I can now do again.
- I have more time for friends and family who have always been there for me.
- I will have much less stress from now on.
- I am now independent and can realize myself (for example, go abroad or move where I want).
- I find someone who treats me as I deserve.
- I am relieved that from now on I can only spend time with people I can really trust.
When you get your positive attitude back, you will find it easier to forgive the person who hurt you. You then no longer blame him for your 'bad' situation, but learn to take things as they come.
You get the best out of yourself, which would never have been possible without the breakup. In addition, you may even end up being grateful that you finally found yourself through the conflict.
Give things time
Give things time
Forgiveness is a process. No one suddenly decides to forgive and everything is normal again.
First, you need to accept what happened and then try to make sense of the behavior or realize that there was no malicious intent behind it.
You will need to have intense conversations, and if there is a loss of trust, the other person may need to prove themselves and show remorse first.
Conflict can destroy the bond between two people very quickly. It takes time to allow that bond to heal.
If you see the other person making an effort over a longer period of time, you will probably be able to forgive sooner or later. Then it is even possible to return to the original, healed and happy state.
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