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The best evil writing contest clauses

Do you recall my post about the writing contest run by First One Digital Publishing? Over the weekend, Evil Wylie ran a contest designed to mock the First One contest. He asked people to suggest terms and conditions that were even more absurd than the ones First Digital had. He got some doozies.

Any submission that attempts to be more evil than Evil Wylie in its content will be added to the ever-burning embers which are used for setting fire to kittens, puppies and orphans on an evil whim.

Your entry cannot be longer than 20 words. Yes, we know we said something else up there, but seriously, we mean it this time. 20 words is the firm maximum. Who wants to read a long novel nowadays?

All contest entries grant the contest holder rights to 10% of all holding from here forward including, but not limited to- future writing, properties, pets and children.

All second place winners are eligible to receive their receipt in full color and mounted ready for framing for free. Just pay the low $49.95 shipping and handling and we will rush you your receipt. Allow 3 years for delivery.

Any attempts to mock the contest in words, pictures, interpretive dance, mime, puppetry, thoughts, or dreams will make the contest angry. The contest will come to your house while you are sleeping. The first time the contest visits, you will not know the contest has been there. You will just find that your belongings have been moved, and you will feel ill at ease. The contest will come again each night. It will stand over you while you sleep. It will bottle your breath in jars. It will take skin samples and store them for future use. The contest will call you sometimes, then hang up when you answer. The contest will send you emails with no content. The contest go to your child’s school and hang around out front in a fake ice cream truck, taking photos. The contest reserves all rights to haunt you when it dies.

No submitted manuscript is allowed to contain the letter "e". If a submitted manuscript does, we reserve the right to do one of the following:

1) Print it out, set it on fire and then urinate on the ashes, which will be posted to you.
2) Publish it on toilet paper and use it in the staff lavatory.
3) Eat it.

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