Funny quotes: 121 great sayings for any occasion
Johannes Haupt
(Senior Editor)
Funny quotes can always come in handy if you want to lighten the mood. You can send these out for almost any occasion. Here we collected some short and funny quotes for you and your friends to laugh about.
There are funny quotes on a wide variety of topics, for example about men, women, old age or life itself. But there are many common funny sayings and jokes to laugh at as well. You can include them in a speech to break the ice or you can send them via email, text, or social media.
These Quotes are just Plain Funny
These quotes are just plain funny
In this part, you’ll find sayings that are generally just funny. You don’t need any special occasion to send them. Just make your friends and relatives laugh with a surprise text.
Ambiguously Funny Quotes
Here you’ll find quotes along the lines of "Those who think ambiguously clearly have more to laugh about."
Ambiguous jokes can be read two ways, they can be dirty, but also make many people laugh. We have collected a few funny sayings for you.
- My contribution to environmental protection: I separate alcohol from the glass.
(Unknown) - "Why are you cooking naked?" – "The recipe said sear hot."
(Unknown) - You must blow me to play with me. What am I? A balloon.
(Unknown) - I will come and attack you and throw you into bed. You will freeze, sweat and shiver. In joyful anticipation: I’m the flu!
(Unknown) - Are you lonely? Come to me and I’ll tell you why! – Your mirror.
(Unknown)
Funny Quotes for Texting – Short and Crisp
Funny quotes for WhatsApp – short and sweet
Even though in theory any of our funny quotes are suitable to text, we have compiled some more here that are particularly short or fit particularly well.
You can either post them as a status or simply send them as a funny message. Remember that a message is always funnier and more personal when you use emojis. Moreover, visual aids make your message more vivid and easier to read.
- My best friends are getting married, moving to New York, or buying real estate … and me … I’m eating the sticker on the apple. Thank you, life!
(Unknown) - I can remember every scene from a series I watched two years ago. But I forget why I walked into a room 10 seconds ago. Thanks brain!
(Unknown) - My roommate leaves the apartment to go to classes. Two minutes later she comes back, "Forgot something", and sits down at the table. Me after a short while: "What?" She: "That I’m not up for it."
(Unknown) - Whoever has the voodoo doll of me. Please stop feeding it all the time.
(Unknown) - "No visit, no inheritance!" My grandma, 80, her Facebook status.
(Unknown) - If you always have confetti in your pocket, you can give more expression to everyday situations, boring conversations or unqualified comments.
(Unknown) - I love shoes. No matter how many cookies I eat, they always fit.
(Unknown) - Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
(Unknown) - My morning walk from my bed to the coffee maker is my homemade episode of The Walking Dead.
(Unknown) - Students don’t have to worry about using secret code.With their spelling, their messages are sufficiently encrypted.
(Unknown) - I love the poofy sweater time of year. Do I wear a bra? Maybe. Am I wearing what I wore to sleep last night? Maybe.
(Unknown) - I put commas where they look good.
(Unknown)
Funny Quotes for Friends
Funny quotes for friends
Every friendship includes some teasing. When you and your best friend need something to laugh about, a funny quote can help. Funny sayings about friendship don’t have to be less meaningful than any other quote about your friendship.
The intention to please your friend is the same. In addition, most jokes address the fact that you are especially comfortable around your friend and can be yourself.
- True friendship is when you don’t clean up before your guest comes over.
(Unknown) - I bring the problems – you bring the alcohol.
(Unknown) - I like people with whom even totally pointless conversations make sense.
(Unknown) - Friendship is when you just sit around for hours talking about things you’ve talked about a thousand times.
(Unknown) - A true friend is someone who is just as crazy as you are.
(Unknown) - Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.
(Unknown) - It’s nice when you find someone whose head had the same interior designer as you.
(Unknown) - I’d take a bullet for you. Not in the head. But like in the leg or something.
(Unknown) - Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.
(Unknown) - We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.
(Unknown) - Good friends discuss their sex lives. Best friends talk shit.
(Unknown)
Funny Quotes to Laugh Your Head Off for any Occasion
Funny quotes to laugh your head off for any occasion
In this section you’ll find jokes sorted for different occasions. This includes birthdays, work, and other situations.
Funny Jokes for a Birthday
As with any special occasion, birthdays often involve speeches or bringing up old childhood memories to lighten the mood.
If a personal story doesn’t come to mind, there are fortunately enough funny birthday jokes.
You can also write the funny birthday wishes in a birthday card instead of sending them via text or some other messenger.
- Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
(Arthur Schopenhauer) - From 50, it’s our duty to do all the nonsense we didn’t have money for when we were 20.
(Unknown) - You’re not 30, you’re 18 with 12 years of experience.
(Unknown) - At 66, that’s when life begins. Be excited, you still have 6 years ahead of you!
(Unknown) - A few words of wisdom for you on your birthday, "Smile while you still have teeth."
(Unknown) - Enjoy your special day. May all your wishes come true… and may your wife not find out!
(Unknown) - What most persons consider as virtue, after the age of 40 is simply a loss of energy.
(Voltaire) - If someone calls you old, hit them with your walking stick and throw your dentures at them!
(Unknown) - The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything.
(Oscar Wilde) - You don’t have to be afraid of getting older – you can dye your hair!
(Unknown)
Before you make jokes about aging, make sure the birthday boy or girl has a sense of humor. You certainly don’t want to spoil his or her mood on this special day.
Find many more funny birthday sayings.
Jokes about Work
Funny quotes with humor about work
Funny jokes about work can make your job a little easier.
For example, you can send funny jokes to your colleagues or post one of the sayings at your desk. However, make sure that you know your colleagues' sense of humor.
- You don’t have to be crazy to work here. But it helps.
(Unknown) - "How many people work in your company?" – "I guess a third."
(Unknown) - The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.
(Oscar Wilde) - Some colleagues leave a void that completely replaces them.
(Unknown) - "I admire your composure." – "That’s disinterest."
- My boss said the other day that we can fit six people in our office without problems. Guess now he has to find employees without problems.
(Unknown) - "I don’t really know what you do for a living." – "Neither do I. I just go there."
(Unknown) - If you change only 8 letters in "Home Office", it says "Gin Tonic!"
(Unknown) - My job is moving on the edge of egalitarianism.
(Unknown) - I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
(Jerome K. Jerome)
Funny and Sarcastic Senior Quotes
Are you looking for some funny quotes to write into your yearbook? Maybe you’ll find a suitable one here.
- Remember that time I did that thing you thought was funny? Good times.
- Spoiler alert: Snape kills Dumbledore.
- Everyday in high school, I was looking for snacks, not knowing I was the snack all along.
- The only things straight about me are the lines I paint.
- My A’s turned to B’s and so did my grades, God bless.
- I like my women how I like my coffee. I don’t like coffee.
- I like my coffee how I like myself: dark, bitter, and too hot for you.
- I was the Beyoncé in a school full of Michelles.
- You can’t choose your father, but you can choose your daddy.
- What if one day you woke up and you were a chicken?
Funny Good Morning Quotes
Funny good morning quotes
You can also send a joke to your friends and family to greet them in the morning. If you start the day with a laugh, you’ll have a good chance of being happy throughout the day.
A funny quote in the morning is a welcome change from the usual phrases like "Good morning. I hope you slept well." or "Good morning. Have a nice day."
You can also write your own jokes too. Think about what funny things have happened to you in the morning or how you feel when you wake up. Our examples can help you brainstorm some ideas
- I feel like I’ve been run over twice… no three times by a truck, which then called an ambulance, which then ran over me again.
(Unknown) - If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.
(Mark Twain) - This morning I said to myself, "Hannah, starting today, you won’t eat sweets anymore!" – Thank goodness my name isn’t Hannah.
(Unknown) - I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.
(Benjamin Franklin) - I never thought I’d be the type of person who would one day get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
(Unknown) - I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom.
(Unknown) - My morning alarm is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.
(Unknown) - If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee in the morning, you should take the spoon out of the coffee cup.
(Unknown) - I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed.
(Unknown) - I would be a morning person if morning happened around 1 p.m.
(Unknown) - Every day at breakfast, I announce that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
(Unknown)
You can find many more good morning quotes here.
Funny Good Night Quotes
Funny good night quotes
The counterpart to a funny joke in the morning are funny good night quotes. They’re great for good acquaintances, family, or friends whose humor you’re familiar with.
However, they may not be suitable for every one of your contacts. So don’t send a group message.
Ways to send such a message are via WhatsApp, text, email or via social media like Facebook, Instagram and Co.
Funny good night messages are a good way to switch it up from your usual "Good night, see you tomorrow" or "Sleep tight". Help the recipient fall asleep with a smile on their face.
- Unfortunately, this day must be canceled due to an unknown disturbance. Please go to bed in a calm and orderly manner.
(Unknown) - The sun is red, the sky is blue, I cannot stay happy without disturbing you. Goodnight my love.
(Unknown) - Do you remember when going to bed was a punishment? How stupid we were!
(Unknown) - "Bed addiction" is a disease where you have an extreme desire to stay in bed all day. This disease should really be more accepted socially.
(Unknown) - Sleeping is the only thing you’re good at besides breathing, so good night.
(Unknown) - Good night! Please don’t show up in my dream; I don’t want a nightmare tonight.
(Unknown) - Brushed teeth – put the book down, completely tired – now lying wide awake in bed.
(Unknown) - Good night! May you be safe from the ghost under your bed!
(Unknown) - Welcome to Sweet Dreams airlines. We’ll be arriving shortly in Dreamland. Fasten blankets, puff the pillow, close your eyes and get ready to doze off! Good Night!
(Unknown) - Sleeping on my keyboard. If I answer, I’m talking in my sleep. Good night!
(Unknown)
Funny Inspirational Quotes about Life
Funny life lessons to laugh your head off
The following wisdom and funny quotes about life can address unpleasant topics with humor, for example:
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
(Elbert Hubbard)
You should only send these jokes to people you know well and who will appreciate your sense of humor. You may even have a funny inside joke with someone that you can write down as a life lesson.
With it, you can either cheer someone up when they’re sad or lighten their mood. Funny sayings are of course always suitable as a social media status.
- My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.
(Socrates) - No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
(Abraham Lincoln) - Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
(Mark Twain) - The only thing still holding me here is the Earth’s gravity.
(Unknown) - Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
(Jules Renard) - If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
(Theodore Roosevelt) - I can resist everything except temptation.
(Oscar Wilde) - A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
(George Bernard Shaw) - I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends.
(Walt Whitman) - The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
(Thomas A. Edison) - Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
(Benjamin Franklin)
Hilarious quotes about giving birth
Funny quotes about giving birth.
If you want to write a joke about the birth of a child in a card or send it via text, you should know the parents well. It could be possible that they are sensitive to jokes about their child.
This is not to say that you can’t make jokes about a birth. In fact, it’s a great setup for jokes. But gauge the humor of the parents beforehand.
Moreover, with a good joke you can stand out from the crowd between all the congratulations from acquaintances and friends. We have some examples for you that are appropriate – some for daughters, some for sons, some for both.
- From today, he/she decides when and how long to sleep in your house.
(Unknown) - For nine months he’s/she’s been teasing mommy. Now it’s daddy’s turn!
(Unknown) - One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.
(Friedrich Nietzsche) - I don’t want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like my husband.
(Unknown) - Admittedly, it’s still a bit wrinkly. But give it time to fully develop. And make sure it has enough food.
(Unknown) - Baby puke is my new favorite accessory. No outfit is complete without it.
(Unknown) - When I was born I was so mad at my parents that I didn’t talk to them for two years.
(Unknown) - That moment when you go to check on your sleeping baby and their eyes ping open so you drop to the floor and roll out of the room like a ninja.
(Unknown) - You know you’re old when you barely do anything all day but still need a nap to continue doing barely anything.
(Unknown) - Welcome to parenthood, where your favorite new game will be 'guess that bodily fluid.'
(Unknown) - Sleep? Yes, I have a vague recollection of what that was like.
(Unknown)
Don’t make any of these jokes at formal events like a baptism. There are baptism quotes that will suit the occasion better and not upset anyone. Therefore, jokes about birth are more suitable for baby showers.
Funny Quotes for New Year’s Eve
Funny New Year’s Eve quotes
The following funny New Year’s Eve greetings come in handy when you want to create a cheerful mood and skip the "seriousness" of the new year. Most jokes are about not keeping your New Year’s resolutions.
Before you send a joke: Make sure that the person understands your sense of humor and is not in a bad mood or going through hard times. Also, it is important to include know your personal relationship.
You should not send a funny joke to your boss, with whom you do not have a very good relationship. It doesn’t hurt to be a little more reserved with colleagues or other professional contacts.
You can judge your good friends and acquaintances best, so you’ll know whether they’ll find your jokes funny. After all, you want to please them for the New Year and stand out from others wishing them a happy New Year.
- No New Year’s resolutions this year – I haven’t worked through last year’s yet.
- Resolutions for the new year: stay single, get fat and be poor. Since the opposite always happens, that should work this time.
(Unknown) - Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.
(William Shakespeare) - New Year’s Eve is finally here, where we can be drunk in public and no one cares. That’s why it’s the best holiday!
(Unknown) - Let us celebrate this New Year’s Eve in honor of the time we successfully wasted this year.
(Unknown) - First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.
(F. Scott Fitzgerald) - I’m gonna order a pizza five minutes before the new year and when they arrive I will say, "I ordered this a year ago!"
(Unknown) - People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow.
(Unknown) - And now we welcome the new year. Full of things that have never been.
(Rainer Maria Rilke) - Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.
(Oscar Wilde) - I’m so excited for the new year. Unfortunately, I don’t have any resolutions to make since I’m already perfect.
(Unknown)
Funny Christmas Quotes
Funny Christmas quotes
For Christmas cards, text messages, or e-mails to good friends or family, we have funny sayings for Christmas. After all, you always want to put a smile on the face of your loved ones for Christmas.
Especially children will appreciate a good Christmas joke with their gifts. However, you should also make sure that the joke will go over well with the recipient.
- Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.
(Unknown) - Christmas would be so much better if there wasn’t coal everywhere.
(Unknown) - I baked gingerbread for the first time myself. We’ve never had such delicious doorstoppers.
(Unknown) - Just now a 3-year-old had a T-shirt on that said, "Santa doesn’t exist, but that’s okay because I can’t read."
(Unknown) - Christmas is a race to see which gives up first – your money or your feet.
(Unknown) - People really act weird at Christmas time! What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out of your socks?
(Unknown) - Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle.
(Unknown) - Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
(Unknown) - I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.
(Unknown)
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